For so long I thought my mental illness had held me back from so many things. Because of that, I have often felt a sense of entitlement to things. I have harbored so much jealousy and envy for so many people for so long because of what they have accomplished in their lives, because I hadn’t been able to accomplish in life what I had wanted to.
Let me introduce you to a few important and very successful people in my life. My best friend from college owns her own professional photography business. One of my cousins has her masters degree and teaches at the college level (and also has her real estate license). My other cousin has been employed with the same company for 15(+) years. My best friend from high school obtained her EdD as a single parent and now teaches at the Doctoral level while homeschooling her two children. I have two friends who are professional models, one from Dallas and one who recently moved to the East coast. My sister raises three children while being married to a coach and has taught school for 15(+) year now. One dear friend holds down a job as a case manager while raising four kids on her own (and she is the best damn case manager ever)! A friend I met at my first job ever has been a successful medical technician for over 20 years now.
As you can see, I have always felt I have had big shoes to fill. And I have always felt I have failed. Although I did get my BS in marketing, that is hardly worth anything anymore, especially in the field I work in. I have allowed myself to be eaten alive with jealousy and envy for too many years. Why did this have to happen to me? Why does my mental illness have to hold me back from doing all the normal things everyone else is doing? Why can’t I achieve the same level of success everyone around me is achieving? I have been asking myself these questions everyday since I was diagnosed and first started noticing I was not reaching my potential. Then the inevitable happened. I let it consume me and I let my mental illness start to define me. I let it take over my identity. I was no longer the fun loving, bubbly, outgoing girl I used to be – I was the girl with the mental illness.
For so many years I have allowed myself to let that identity control who I was. I always felt that I was being held back from the things I was entitled to – all the things my friends and family were out their accomplishing.
Let’s put a pin in that for a moment, because at this juncture I feel it is necessary to brag on myself a bit and talk about the things I have accomplished. I may not have a secondary degree or have held down a long-term job, but God knows I have had struggles and I have overcome them.
- I have been sober for 16.5 years
- I quit smoking in 2011
- I have been consistently working for 6(+) years
- I give presentations about living with mental illness to local schools, police academies and colleges
- I use my experience with mental health issues to help others that are dealing with the same thing
- I successfully manage to take a rather large regime of medication everyday
- I get up every morning and make it to work (that used to be a major problem)
- I finished college on time amid being diagnosed with a major mental health diagnosis
- I used to write for the Longview News Journal
- I manage to maintain a marriage with a wonderful man who puts up with more than his fair share of bullshit
- I am an amazing aunt to three nephews and one niece
- I overcame panic attacks and conversion disorder
- I can now go to public places on my own
- I don’t let the fear of large crowds paralyze me anymore
- I overcame a two year fear of stairs
- I am a creative writer
Now then, I feel a little better about myself. Back to the pin, For so long I was so jealous of what everyone else was accomplishing and what little I thought I was. But, times are a changing and it’s time to get off that horse and start doing things for myself. Unfortunately it took 20 years for me to believe in myself, but I finally do.
- I am capable of getting a masters degree.
- I am capable of holding down a job for a long length of time.
- I am capable of sharing my story with others to help them overcome theirs.
- I am capable of rising to the occasion when need be.
- I am capable of holding down a full-time job and not relying on disability anymore.
- I am capable of being a better wife, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter and aunt.
- I am capable of not letting fear paralyze me anymore.
- I am capable of being proud of who I am instead of being sad of who I’m not.
- I am capable of not letting my mental illness define me.
No more jealousy or envy. Now I am just an overjoyed, completely proud friend and family member. Proud of what they have accomplished and what each of them have become. I am proud that I have so many role models in my life to look up to. I am proud of the tenacity, strength and hard work that each of them put in to get to where they are. That is pure inspiration to me. So thank you to each of you. I hope you know who you are. I am grateful to have you in my life and grateful to be able to use your success story as a stepping stone in my journey through life. Without you all achieving what you have, I wouldn’t have the courage to aspire to achieve what I want to. I feel so blessed and am so thankful to be in such amazing company.
Don’t allow jealousy and envy to control your life. It is like the old adage, drinking a bottle of poison and hoping the other person will die. It will consume you and break you into little pieces one by one. Be proud of your accomplishments and allow others to be a teaching tool for you.
It’s not what you accomplish in life that matters most; it’s the adversity you overcome to get there that counts.
Veni Vidi Vici 
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