Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

Any minute now Dempsey’s tail is going to knock over one of the two glass vases we have sitting on the old tattered chest and I will have to sweep up the glass. But until then, I will try to focus on this.

Addiction -the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity. “he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction.”

Many people struggle with addiction and varying degrees of addiction, as well as addictions to a variety of different things. I have battled my share of addiction over the past 25 years and seem to be dealing with it again.

Addiction affects everyone differently and not only does it manage to harm the lives of those in direct contact with it, but it destroys those of loved ones as well.

I am now trying to manage an addiction to shopping. I love to shop. I really really love to shop. In the morning before breakfast, in the afternoon on a break, in the evening while watching television – just the act alone of shopping is so satisfying that I have created a black hole for myself that is going to take some serious digging to get out of.

I have overcome alcoholism, drugs, smoking, vaping and I am sure many other things so I hope that this will just be another addiction I battle and beat. With the debt running high and the money running low, I wonder how I am going to get out of this predicament I have gotten myself into, but with the support of family and friends and alot of planning and budgeting, hopefully this will soon be a thing of the past.

I want to credit the fact that I am still sane to the love and support of one of my friends who constantly reminds me that God is on my side and will never forsake nor leave me. I often forget about that and forget to take the time to pray for help and guidance, but her ongoing encouragement keeps me believing I can and will get through this. Thank you bunny boo for your kindness, support, inspiration and fortitude. I love you very much.

It seems that everything I touch turns to an addiction. I guess I just have that type of personality. That means for the rest of my life I have to be aware of everything I do and keep things in moderation.

If you feel you have a problem with something, be it shopping, alcohol, gambling, drugs, or anything for that matter, please don’t wait until it’s too late to ask for assistance. If you ever need to talk about something, I am putting it out there that I am an open person to talk to. I have been through a great deal and can offer even more. Take care of yourself and always remember that in moderation things aren’t so bad. Keep praying and utilize the support you have around you.  Don’t let things get so far out of control you have to take extreme measures to get them back on track.

“Before you pass judgment on someone who is self-destructing, it is important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They are trying to destroy something inside that doesn’t belong.” – JmStorm

You are always one decision away from leading a totally different life. Let that sink in.

 

 

Breaking the Habit

Meet my best friend, Juul.

Now, am I a quitter? Well, for most of my life I have been a quitter at alot of things. And once again I am a quitter at something else. But this time, it’s for the best. After about a year and a half of intense vaping, I have decided it is time to put it to rest. Not necessarily because of all the health hype going around, (maybe that’s a part of it), but it is just time to let it go.

About a year and a half ago, during the summer of 2018, I picked up my friend’s Juul and tried it out for the first time. I was immediately hooked and have been vaping ever since then. I used a variety of vapes, not just the Juul (although it was my favorite). I found it to be more socially acceptable than smoking and definitely more okay than a pot vape pen.

From day one, Dustin hated it. And so did my parents. Just seven years ago I had broken an 18 year habit of smoking. They certainly didn’t want to see me become addicted to something else so habit forming. And my goodness was it habit forming. There were times when I didn’t take a breath of fresh air for hours – I just vaped for every breath. I won’t lie, I was addicted. And I loved it. I really really loved it. I could vape in public places without people knowing it. I could vape inside the house, despite Dustin hating it. I could vape whenever I was stressed or depressed. I could vape when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. And I did. I vaped – ALL THE TIME.

I never thought it would be possible for me to put the vapes down. But through sheer willpower, prayer, my family’s support, my tireless strength and my desire to do better for myself, I have been able to quit vaping (only for a couple of days now). I mailed all my vapes to a friend of mine in Dallas – it’s going to be like Christmas in October for her- so I could be as far away from them as possible. Now, I feel a little irritable, somewhat cranky and secretly wishing I could find some random vape somewhere, I must prove to myself I can do this. So far, I put down alcohol 16.5 years ago, cigarettes 8 years ago and I can certainly give up vaping.

If you are wanting to make a change in your life, just make sure you are one, doing it for the right reasons. Two, be sure you are doing it for yourself and not someone else and three, don’t give up when it gets difficult. You have made it through far worse things in your life than what you are dealing with now. You will make it through this. One day at a time.

Green is no Longer the Color

For so long I thought my mental illness had held me back from so many things. Because of that, I have often felt a sense of entitlement to things. I have harbored so much jealousy and envy for so many people for so long because of what they have accomplished in their lives, because I hadn’t been able to accomplish in life what I had wanted to.

Let me introduce you to a few important and very successful people in my life. My best friend from college owns her own professional photography business. One of my cousins has her masters degree and teaches at the college level (and also has her real estate license). My other cousin has been employed with the same company for 15(+) years. My best friend from high school obtained her EdD as a single parent and now teaches at the Doctoral level while homeschooling her two children. I have two friends who are professional models, one from Dallas and one who recently moved to the East coast. My sister raises three children while being married to a coach and has taught school for 15(+) year now. One dear friend holds down a job as a case manager while raising four kids on her own (and she is the best damn case manager ever)! A friend I met at my first job ever has been a successful medical technician for over 20 years now.

As you can see, I have always felt I have had big shoes to fill. And I have always felt I have failed. Although I did get my BS in marketing, that is hardly worth anything anymore, especially in the field I work in. I have allowed myself to be eaten alive with jealousy and envy for too many years. Why did this have to happen to me? Why does my mental illness have to hold me back from doing all the normal things everyone else is doing? Why can’t I achieve the same level of success everyone around me is achieving? I have been asking myself these questions everyday since I was diagnosed and first started noticing I was not reaching my potential. Then the inevitable happened. I let it consume me and I let my mental illness start to define me. I let it take over my identity. I was no longer the fun loving, bubbly, outgoing girl I used to be – I was the girl with the mental illness.

For so many years I have allowed myself to let that identity control who I was. I always felt that I was being held back from the things I was entitled to – all the things my friends and family were out their accomplishing.

Let’s put a pin in that for a moment, because at this juncture I feel it is necessary to brag on myself a bit and talk about the things I have accomplished. I may not have a secondary degree or have held down a long-term job, but God knows I have had struggles and I have overcome them.

• I have been sober for 16.5 years
• I quit smoking in 2011
• I have been consistently working for 6(+) years
• I give presentations about living with mental illness to local schools, police academies and colleges
• I use my experience with mental health issues to help others that are dealing with the same thing
• I successfully manage to take a rather large regime of medication everyday
• I get up every morning and make it to work (that used to be a major problem)
• I finished college on time amid being diagnosed with a major mental health diagnosis
• I used to write for the Longview News Journal
• I manage to maintain a marriage with a wonderful man who puts up with more than his fair share of bullshit
• I am an amazing aunt to three nephews and one niece
• I overcame panic attacks and conversion disorder
• I can now go to public places on my own
• I don’t let the fear of large crowds paralyze me anymore
• I overcame a two year fear of stairs
• I am a creative writer

Now then, I feel a little better about myself. Back to the pin, For so long I was so jealous of what everyone else was accomplishing and what little I thought I was. But, times are a changing and it’s time to get off that horse and start doing things for myself. Unfortunately it took 20 years for me to believe in myself, but I finally do.

• I am capable of getting a masters degree.
• I am capable of holding down a job for a long length of time.
• I am capable of sharing my story with others to help them overcome theirs.
• I am capable of rising to the occasion when need be.
• I am capable of holding down a full-time job and not relying on disability anymore.
• I am capable of being a better wife, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter and aunt.
• I am capable of not letting fear paralyze me anymore.
• I am capable of being proud of who I am instead of being sad of who I’m not.
• I am capable of not letting my mental illness define me.

No more jealousy or envy. Now I am just an overjoyed, completely proud friend and family member. Proud of what they have accomplished and what each of them have become. I am proud that I have so many role models in my life to look up to. I am proud of the tenacity, strength and hard work that each of them put in to get to where they are. That is pure inspiration to me. So thank you to each of you. I hope you know who you are. I am grateful to have you in my life and grateful to be able to use your success story as a stepping stone in my journey through life. Without you all achieving what you have, I wouldn’t have the courage to aspire to achieve what I want to. I feel so blessed and am so thankful to be in such amazing company.

Don’t allow jealousy and envy to control your life. It is like the old adage, drinking a bottle of poison and hoping the other person will die. It will consume you and break you into little pieces one by one. Be proud of your accomplishments and allow others to be a teaching tool for you.

It’s not what you accomplish in life that matters most; it’s the adversity you overcome to get there that counts.